Jump to content

United States District Court: Difference between revisions

From nUSA Wiki
← Older editNewer edit →
VisualWikitext
No edit summary
Blended (talk | contribs)
3 edits
No edit summary
Tag: Reverted
Line 1: Line 1:
The '''United States District Court (USDC)''' is the [[wikipedia:Trial_court|trial court]] of the [[wikipedia:United_States_federal_judiciary|U.S. federal judiciary]].  Each district court has at least one courthouse, and many districts have more than one. District courts' decisions are appealed either to the [[United States Court of Appeals|U.S. Court of Appeals (USCA)]], when that court existed, or directly to the [[wikipedia:Supreme_Court_of_the_United_States|U.S. Supreme Court]].
May I have your attention, please?
 
May I have your attention, please?
{{Infobox court
Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
| court_name      = {{nowrap|United States District Court}}
I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
| image          =
We're gonna have a problem here
| imagesize      =
Y'all act like you never seen a white person before
| established    = January 2, 2013 (10 years ago)
Jaws all on the floor like Pam like Tommy just burst in the door
| location        = [[Washington, D.C.]], [[Colorado]], [[Nevada]]
And started whoopin' her ass worse than before
| type            = Presidential nomination with Senate confirmation
They first were divorced, throwin' her over furniture (ah)
| authority      = Article III of the Constitution of the United States
It's the return of the "ah, wait, no way, you're kidding
| terms          = Life tenure
He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"
| positions      = 8 (by statute)
And Dr. Dre said, nothing, you idiots
| chiefjudgetitle = Chief Judge of the United States District Court
Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement (ha ha)
| chiefjudgename  = NewPlayerqwerty
Feminist women love Eminem
| clerktitle = Clerk of the Court
"Chicka, chicka, chicka, Slim Shady, I'm sick of him
| clerkname  = Zhang Jinping|Clerk=}}
Look at him, walkin' around, grabbin' his you-know-what
 
Flippin' the you-know-who"
District courts are courts of [[wikipedia:Common_law|law]], [[wikipedia:Court_of_equity|equity]], and [[wikipedia:Admiralty_court|admiralty]], and can hear both [[wikipedia:Civil_law_(common_law)|civil]] and [[wikipedia:Criminal_law|criminal]] cases. But unlike U.S. state courts, federal district courts are courts of [[wikipedia:Limited_jurisdiction|limited jurisdiction]], and can only hear cases that involve disputes between [[wikipedia:Diversity_jurisdiction|residents of different states]], [[wikipedia:Federal_question_jurisdiction|questions of federal law]], or federal crimes.
"Yeah, but he's so cute though"
 
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
Although the District Courts are strictly geographically divided within real-life, within nUSA, the same judges sit in each district<ref>https://archive.org/details/state-v-gaviria-interpretation_order</ref>, and the geographic division is more ambiguous.
But no worse than what's goin' on in your parents' bedrooms
 
Sometimes I wanna get on TV and just let loose
==Jurisdiction and Constitution==
But can't, but it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose
Unlike the U.S. Supreme Court, which was expressly established by [[wikipedia:Article_Three_of_the_United_States_Constitution|Article III of the Constitution]], the district courts were established by Congress pursuant to authority delegated by Article III<ref group="note">Article III of the Constitution provides that the "judicial power of the United States, shall be vested in . . . such inferior courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish."</ref> through the enacting of a federal statute, the [[wikipedia:Judiciary_Act_of_1789|Judiciary Act of 1789]]. There is no constitutional requirement that district courts exist at all.<ref name="Pfander_Page_83">{{cite book|last1=Pfander|first1=James|title=One Supreme Court: Supremacy, Inferiority, and the Judicial Department of the United States|date=2009|publisher=Oxford University Press|location=Oxford|isbn=9780195340334|page=83|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=yHpVDwAAQBAJ&pg=PA83|access-date=August 11, 2023}}</ref>
"My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips"
 
And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little kiss
<references group="note"/>
And that's the message that we deliver to little kids
 
And expect them not to know what a woman's clitoris is
Unlike some state courts, the power of federal courts to hear cases and controversies is strictly limited. Federal courts may not decide every case that happens to come before them.  In order for a district court to entertain a lawsuit, Congress must first grant the court subject matter jurisdiction over the type of dispute in question.
Of course they're gonna know what intercourse is
 
By the time they hit fourth grade
The district courts exercise original jurisdiction over a wide range of cases, of which the best known are the following:
They've got the Discovery Channel, don't they?
 
We ain't nothin' but mammals, well, some of us, cannibals
*Civil actions arising under the Constitution, laws, and treaties of the United States;<ref>28 U.S.C. § 1331</ref>
Who cut other people open like cantaloupes
*Certain civil actions between citizens of different states or citizens of a state and a foreign state;<ref>28 U.S.C. § 1332</ref>
But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes
*Civil actions within the admiralty or maritime jurisdiction of the United States;<ref>28 U.S.C. § 1333</ref>
Then there's no reason that a man and another man can't elope
*Criminal prosecutions brought by the United States;<ref>18 U.S.C. § 3231</ref>
But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote
*Civil actions in which the United States is a party<ref>28 U.S.C. § 1345 (United States as plaintiff); 28 U.S.C. § 1346 (United States as defendant)</ref>
Women, wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus, and it goes
 
I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
For most of these cases, the jurisdiction of the federal district courts is concurrent with that of the state courts. In other words, a plaintiff can choose to bring these cases in either a federal district court or a state court. Congress has established a procedure whereby a party, typically the defendant, can "remove" a case from state court to federal court, provided that the federal court also has original jurisdiction over the matter (meaning that the case could have been filed in federal court initially).<ref>{{Cite web|url=https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/28/1441|title=28 USC 1441}}</ref> If the party that initially filed the case in state court believes that removal was improper, that party can ask the district court to "remand" the case to the state court system. For certain matters, such as patent and copyright infringement disputes and prosecutions for federal crimes, the jurisdiction of the district courts is exclusive of that of the state courts, meaning that only federal courts can hear those cases.<ref group="note">In some situations, federal law provides both for the exclusive jurisdiction of federal courts and for the immunity of the defendant from the power of those courts. One example of this is [[patent]]-infringement claims against a state government: only the federal courts may hear patent cases, but the states have [[sovereign immunity]] from such suits under the [[Eleventh Amendment to the United States Constitution|Eleventh Amendment]].  Although a state may choose to waive its immunity in such a case and allow it to proceed to trial, if it does not do so, the plaintiff has no recourse. This doctrine was reaffirmed by the [[Supreme Court of the United States]] in ''[[Florida Prepaid Postsecondary Education Expense Board v. College Savings Bank]]'', 527 U.S. 627 (1999).</ref>
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
 
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
In addition to their original jurisdiction, the district courts have appellate jurisdiction over a limited class of judgments, orders, and decrees.<ref>''See'', ''e.g.'', {{usc|28|158}}(a)(1) (U.S. district courts are authorized to hear appeals from final judgments, orders, and decrees of U.S. bankruptcy judges).</ref>
Please stand up, please stand up?
 
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
==Judges==
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
A judge of a United States district court is officially titled a "United States District Judge". Other federal judges, including [[wikipedia:United_States_court_of_appeals|circuit judges]] and [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court justices]], can also sit in a district court upon assignment by the chief judge of the circuit or by the [[wikipedia:Chief_Justice_of_the_United_States|Chief Justice of the United States]]. The number of judges in each district court (and the structure of the judicial system generally) is set by [[wikipedia:United_States_Congress|Congress]] in the [[wikipedia:United_States_Code|United States Code]]. The [[President of the United States|President]] appoints the federal judges for terms of good behavior (subject to the [[wikipedia:Advice_and_consent|advice and consent]] of the [[United States Senate|Senate]]), so the nominees often share at least some of his or her convictions. In states represented by a senator of the president's party, the senator (or the more senior of them if both senators are of the president's party) has substantial input into the nominating process, and through a tradition known as [[wikipedia:Senatorial_courtesy|senatorial courtesy]] can exercise an unofficial veto over a nominee unacceptable to the senator.
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
 
Please stand up, please stand up?
Federal magistrate judges are appointed by each district court pursuant to statute. They are appointed for an eight-year term and may be reappointed for additional eight-year terms. A magistrate judge may be removed "for incompetency, misconduct, neglect of duty, or physical or mental disability".<ref>{{usc|28|631}}</ref> A magistrate judgeship may be a stepping stone to a district judgeship nomination.
Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell records
 
Well, I do, so fuck him and fuck you too
District judges usually concentrate on managing their court's overall caseload, supervising trials, and writing opinions in response to important motions like the motion for [[wikipedia:Summary_judgment|summary judgment]]. Since the 1960s, routine tasks like resolving discovery disputes can, in the district judge's discretion, be referred to [[wikipedia:United_States_magistrate_judge|magistrate judges]]. Magistrate judges can also be requested to prepare reports and recommendations on contested matters for the district judge's consideration or, with the consent of all parties, to assume complete jurisdiction over a case including conducting the trial.
You think I give a damn about a Grammy?
 
Half of you critics can't even stomach me, let alone stand me
Generally, federal district judges are [[wikipedia:Article_I_and_Article_III_tribunals#Article_III_courts|Article III judges]] appointed for life, and can be removed involuntarily only when they violate the standard of "good behavior". The sole method of involuntary removal of a judge is through [[wikipedia:Federal_impeachment_in_the_United_States|impeachment]] by the [[United States House of Representatives]] followed by a trial in the [[United States Senate]] and a conviction by a two-thirds vote. Otherwise, a judge, even if convicted of a [[wikipedia:Felony|felony]] criminal offense by a jury, is entitled to hold office until retirement or death.
"But Slim, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"
 
Why, so you guys could just lie to get me here?
At some points within nUSA's history, United States judges have been able to retire or elect to go on [[wikipedia:Senior_status|senior status]] (not to be confused with the courtesy title of "Senior Judge") and keep working. Such judges in senior status are not counted in the quota of active judges for the district and do only whatever work they are assigned by the chief judge of the district, but they keep their offices (called "chambers") and staff, and many of them work full-time.
So you can sit me here next to Britney Spears?
 
Shit, Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs
A federal judge is addressed in writing as "[[wikipedia:The_Honorable|The Honorable]] John/Jane Doe" or "Hon. John/Jane Doe" and in speech as "Judge" or "Judge Doe" or, when presiding in court, "Your Honor".
So I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst
 
And hear 'em argue over who she gave head to first
Below is the list of current judges on the Court.
Little bitch put me on blast on MTV
{| class="wikitable"
"Yeah, he's cute, but I think he's married to Kim, hee-hee"
|+
I should download her audio on MP3
!No.
And show the whole world how you gave Eminem VD (ah)
!Name
I'm sick of you little girl and boy groups
!Tenure
All you do is annoy me, so I have been sent here to destroy you
!Appointed by
And there's a million of us just like me
!Role
Who cuss like me, who just don't give a fuck like me
|-
Who dress like me, walk, talk and act like me
|1
And just might be the next best thing, but not quite me
|[[NewPlayerqwerty]]
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
|9/07/2023 - present
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
|[[UnitedGPT]]
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
|Chief Judge
Please stand up, please stand up?
|-
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
|2
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
|[[Jonofdoom]]
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
|11/18/2023 - present
Please stand up, please stand up?
|[[UnitedGPT]]
I'm like a head trip to listen to, 'cause I'm only givin' you
|Senior Judge
Things you joke about with your friends inside your livin' room
|-
The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of y'all
|3
And I don't gotta be false or sugarcoat it at all
|[[OfficerPrivette]]
I just get on the mic and spit it
|2/21/2024 - present
And whether you like to admit it, I just shit it
|[[Robbiebeastpro90000]]
Better than ninety percent of you rappers out can
|District Judge
Then you wonder, "how can
|-
Kids eat up these albums like Valiums?"
|4
It's funny, 'cause at the rate I'm going, when I'm thirty
|[[James_Carrington]]
I'll be the only person in the nursing home flirting
|4/03/2024 - present
Pinching nurse's asses when I'm jacking off with Jergens
|[[GeorgeGodsent]]
And I'm jerking, but this whole bag of Viagra isn't working
|District Judge
And every single person is a Slim Shady lurking
|-
He could be working at Burger King, spittin' on your onion rings
|5
Or in the parking lot, circling, screaming, "I don't give a fuck"
|[[112tas]]
With his windows down and his system up
|4/05/2024 - present
So will the real Shady please stand up
|[[GeorgeGodsent]]
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?
|District Judge
And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control
|-
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?
|6
I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
|[[Derogatoryyy]]
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
|5/08/2024 - present
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
|[[GeorgeGodsent]]
Please stand up, please stand up?
|District Judge
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
|-
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
|7
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
|[[likeabledalton200]]
Please stand up, please stand up?
|6/17/2024 - present
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
|[[GeorgeGodsent]]
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
|District Judge
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
|-
Please stand up, please stand up?
|8
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
|[[OctaviaRoxburgh]]
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
|6/17/2024 - present
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
|[[GeorgeGodsent]]
Please stand up, please stand up?
|District Judge
Ha ha, I guess there's a Slim Shady in all of us
|}
Fuck it, let's all stand up
President [[GeorgeGodsent]] has appointed most of the judges on the court, appointing 5 of the 8 judges.
 
==Court Officers==
 
===Clerk of the Court===
The district court appoints a clerk, who is responsible for overseeing filings made with the court, maintaining the court's records, processing fees, fines, and restitution, and managing the non-judicial work of the court, including information technology, budget, procurement, human resources, and financial. Clerks may appoint deputies, clerical assistants, and employees to carry out the work of the court.
 
The Judiciary Act of 1789 authorized the Supreme Court and the judge of each U.S. District Court to appoint a clerk to assist with the administration of federal judicial business in those courts. The clerk for each district court was to also serve as clerk of the corresponding circuit court. The Judiciary Act required each clerk to issue the writs summoning jurors and "to record the decrees, judgments and determinations of the court of which he is clerk."
 
The Judicial Code (28 U.S.C. § 751) provides that the clerk is appointed, and may be removed, by the court. The clerk's duties are prescribed by the statute, by the court's customs and practices, and by policy established by the Judicial Conference of the United States. The clerk is appointed by order of the court [[wikipedia:En_banc|en banc]] to serve the entire court. The role of the clerk and deputies or assistants should not be confused with the judges' [[wikipedia:Law_clerk|law clerks]], who assist the judges by conducting research and preparing drafts of opinions.
 
=== Magistrate Judges ===
In the United States District Courts, magistrate judges are [[wikipedia:Judge|judges]] appointed to assist District Court judges in the performance of their duties. Magistrate judges generally oversee first appearances of criminal defendants, set [[wikipedia:Bail|bail]], and conduct other administrative duties. The position of "magistrate judge" or "[[wikipedia:Magistrate|magistrate]]" also exists in some other jurisdictions, where the position may also be known by its former name of "judicial commissioner".
 
Magistrate judges are appointed by a majority vote of the federal district judges of the District Court. The exact means by which magistrates are appointed has varied thoughout the history of the United States.
 
==== Role ====
The magistrate judge's seat is not a separate court; the authority that a magistrate judge exercises is the [[wikipedia:Jurisdiction|jurisdiction]] of the district court itself, delegated to the magistrate judge by the district judges of the court under governing statutory authority, local rules of court, or court orders.  Rather than fixing the duties of magistrate judges nationwide, the Federal Magistrates Act allows each district court to assign duties to the magistrate judges as fits the needs of that court.<ref>{{cite web|url=http://www.fedbar.org/PDFs/A-Guide-to-the-Federal-Magistrate-Judge-System.aspx?FT=.pdf|title=A Guide to the Federal Magistrate Judge System|first=Peter G.|last=McCabe|date=August 2014|publisher=[[Federal Bar Association]]|location=Arlington, Virginia|access-date=2015-06-26}}</ref>
 
In criminal proceedings, magistrate judges preside over [[wikipedia:Misdemeanor|misdemeanor]] and petty offense cases, and as to all criminal cases (felony and misdemeanor) may issue [[wikipedia:Search_warrant|search warrants]], [[wikipedia:Arrest_warrant|arrest warrants]], and [[wikipedia:Summons|summonses]], accept criminal complaints, conduct initial appearance proceedings and detention [[wikipedia:Hearing_(law)|hearings]], set [[wikipedia:Bail|bail]] or other conditions of release or detention, hold [[wikipedia:Preliminary_hearing|preliminary hearings]] and examinations, administer [[wikipedia:Oath|oaths]], conduct [[wikipedia:Extradition|extradition]] proceedings, and conduct evidentiary hearings on [[wikipedia:Motion_to_suppress|motions to suppress]] evidence in felony cases for issuance of reports and recommendations to the district judge.
 
The Supreme Court has held in ''[[wikipedia:Peretz_v._United_States|Peretz v. United States]]'' that magistrate judges may supervise the [[wikipedia:Jury_selection|jury selection]] in a felony trial unless a [[wikipedia:Party_(law)|party]] objects.<ref>''Peretz v. United States'', 501 U.S. 923 (1991) (Magistrates may supervise jury selection for a felony trial with consent of the parties).</ref>
 
In civil proceedings, magistrate judges typically manage [[wikipedia:Discovery_(law)|discovery]] and other pretrial matters. They are authorized to issue [[wikipedia:Court_order|orders]] in pretrial matters as long as the order is not [[wikipedia:Dispositive_motion|dispositive]] of the case as a whole (for example, an order granting [[wikipedia:Summary_judgment|summary judgment]] is not within their purview). They may also be assigned to write reports and recommendations to the district judge as to dispositive matters. With the consent of the parties, they may [[wikipedia:Adjudication|adjudicate]] civil cases in the same manner as a district judge, including presiding over jury or non-jury trials.
 
==== Relation to Article-III judiciary ====
Because [[wikipedia:Article_III_of_the_United_States_Constitution|Article III of the United States Constitution]] vests the judicial powers in courts to which the judges are appointed for life (and which are therefore called Article III tribunals), decisions of a magistrate judge are subject to review and either approval, modification or reversal by a district judge of that court &#x2013; except in civil cases where the parties consent in advance to allow the magistrate judge to exercise the jurisdiction of the district judge, and in which case appeals from the decision of the magistrate judge are heard by the United States Court of Appeals.  The magistrate judges therefore operate under the authority of Congress to appoint "inferior courts", set forth in [[wikipedia:Article_I_of_the_United_States_Constitution|Article I]], making them [[wikipedia:Article_I_tribunals|Article I]] judges.<ref name="Baker-Expanding">{{cite journal|first=Tim A.|last=Baker|title=The Expanding Role of Magistrate Judges in the Federal Courts|journal=Valparaiso University Law Review|volume=39|pages=661–692|url=http://scholar.valpo.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1248&context=vulr|date=2005|access-date=August 11, 2022}}</ref>
 
The Supreme Court most thoroughly delineated the permissible scope of Article I tribunals in ''[[wikipedia:Northern_Pipeline_Construction_Co._v._Marathon_Pipe_Line_Co.|Northern Pipeline Construction Co. v. Marathon Pipe Line Co.]]'',<ref>''[[Northern Pipeline Construction Co. v. Marathon Pipe Line Co.]]'', [[Case citation|458 U.S. 50]] (1982).</ref> striking down the [[wikipedia:Statute|statute]] that created the original U.S. bankruptcy court. The Court held in that opinion that the framers of the Constitution had developed a scheme of [[wikipedia:Separation_of_powers|separation of powers]] which clearly required that the [[wikipedia:Judicial_branch|judicial branch]] be kept independent of the other two branches via the mechanism of lifetime appointments. However, the Court also found that Congress has the power under Article I to create ''adjunct tribunals'', so long as the "essential attributes of judicial power" stay in Article III courts. This power derives from two sources. First, when Congress ''creates'' rights, it can require those asserting such rights to go through an Article I tribunal. Second, Congress can create non-Article III tribunals to help Article III courts deal with their workload, but only if the Article I tribunals are under the control of the Article III courts.  The magistrate judges fall within this category of "adjunct" tribunals.  All actions heard in an Article I tribunal are subject to [[wikipedia:Trial_de_novo|''de novo'' review]] in the supervising Article III court, which retains the exclusive power to make and enforce final judgments.<ref name="Baker-Expanding" />
 
The Supreme Court later stated, in ''[[wikipedia:Commodity_Futures_Trading_Commission_v._Schor|Commodity Futures Trading Commission v. Schor]]'',<ref>''[[Commodity Futures Trading Commission v. Schor]]'', [[Case citation|478 U.S. 833]] (1986).</ref> that parties to litigation could voluntarily waive their right to an Article III tribunal, and thereby submit themselves to a binding judgment from an Article I tribunal.
 
== References ==
<references group="note"/>

Revision as of 07:21, 14 January 2025

May I have your attention, please? May I have your attention, please? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up? We're gonna have a problem here Y'all act like you never seen a white person before Jaws all on the floor like Pam like Tommy just burst in the door And started whoopin' her ass worse than before They first were divorced, throwin' her over furniture (ah) It's the return of the "ah, wait, no way, you're kidding He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?" And Dr. Dre said, nothing, you idiots Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement (ha ha) Feminist women love Eminem "Chicka, chicka, chicka, Slim Shady, I'm sick of him Look at him, walkin' around, grabbin' his you-know-what Flippin' the you-know-who" "Yeah, but he's so cute though" Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose But no worse than what's goin' on in your parents' bedrooms Sometimes I wanna get on TV and just let loose But can't, but it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose "My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips" And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little kiss And that's the message that we deliver to little kids And expect them not to know what a woman's clitoris is Of course they're gonna know what intercourse is By the time they hit fourth grade They've got the Discovery Channel, don't they? We ain't nothin' but mammals, well, some of us, cannibals Who cut other people open like cantaloupes But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes Then there's no reason that a man and another man can't elope But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote Women, wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus, and it goes I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up, please stand up? 'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up, please stand up? Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell records Well, I do, so fuck him and fuck you too You think I give a damn about a Grammy? Half of you critics can't even stomach me, let alone stand me "But Slim, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?" Why, so you guys could just lie to get me here? So you can sit me here next to Britney Spears? Shit, Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs So I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst And hear 'em argue over who she gave head to first Little bitch put me on blast on MTV "Yeah, he's cute, but I think he's married to Kim, hee-hee" I should download her audio on MP3 And show the whole world how you gave Eminem VD (ah) I'm sick of you little girl and boy groups All you do is annoy me, so I have been sent here to destroy you And there's a million of us just like me Who cuss like me, who just don't give a fuck like me Who dress like me, walk, talk and act like me And just might be the next best thing, but not quite me 'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up, please stand up? 'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up, please stand up? I'm like a head trip to listen to, 'cause I'm only givin' you Things you joke about with your friends inside your livin' room The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of y'all And I don't gotta be false or sugarcoat it at all I just get on the mic and spit it And whether you like to admit it, I just shit it Better than ninety percent of you rappers out can Then you wonder, "how can Kids eat up these albums like Valiums?" It's funny, 'cause at the rate I'm going, when I'm thirty I'll be the only person in the nursing home flirting Pinching nurse's asses when I'm jacking off with Jergens And I'm jerking, but this whole bag of Viagra isn't working And every single person is a Slim Shady lurking He could be working at Burger King, spittin' on your onion rings Or in the parking lot, circling, screaming, "I don't give a fuck" With his windows down and his system up So will the real Shady please stand up And put one of those fingers on each hand up? And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go? I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up, please stand up? 'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up, please stand up? 'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up, please stand up? 'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up, please stand up? Ha ha, I guess there's a Slim Shady in all of us Fuck it, let's all stand up

Retrieved from "https://nusadia.org/w/index.php?title=United_States_District_Court&oldid=2466"